When Caregiving and Your Career Collide

Thoughts on the recent “Take a Break Before You Break” podcast episode with guest Breeda Miller.

First, I’ll admit there are a million reasons why I shouldn’t write about this topic. Here are just the first three that come to mind:

• The subject isn’t why Association Chat readers subscribe.
• The keywords won’t help the website rank for our targeted SEO results.
• I don’t have any unique answers that can’t be found elsewhere.

And yet, here we are. Because this challenge I’m facing personally is the same challenge many of my friends, colleagues, and peers are facing and statistically it looks like we’re only going to see more of it in the immediate future. 

To what challenge am I referring? Playing the role of caregiver while trying to navigate the rest of your existence.

How does one address the complications that arise when we find we are adding the role of caregiver (or even the role of “caregiver locator/researcher/manager”) to our already busy, complicated lives?

What does the data say?

According to Pew Research Center, more than half of Americans in their 40s are ‘sandwiched’ between an aging parent and their own children. (This is why people in this situation are referred to as the “Sandwich Generation.”)

In fact, “by the time they’re in their 50s, a majority of those in their 50s (59%) and those 60 and older (83%) are sandwiched between an aging parent and an adult child they’ve helped financially.” 

Members of the club you never want to join

Recently, my siblings and I quite unceremoniously joined this sandwich generation “club” and are grappling with the emotional and logistical challenges that come with it. 

Time commitments to work. 

Time commitments to children. 

Spouses. Retirement. College. A complicated healthcare system. 

Complicated family dynamics.

…

All of these things have organically led me to a place of guilt and overwhelm and I know I’m not alone.

On the verge of breaking

In my interview with the creator of Caregiver Coffeebreak, speaker Breeda Miller shared her own experience with recognizing that she had reached a breaking point. 

“I remember it was Thursday. It was shower day. I love my mom, but I had no training and I hated giving my mom a shower. And I was so… it was the most stressful thing I ever had to deal with because she was terrified of falling and I had no training. My phone was ringing off the hook. I had the worst of both worlds. I had an office in my home. I never got to leave.”

‘So, you know, the phone was ringing off the hook. I was late with a proposal for a client. The dog threw up. I had already changed my mom’s bedding three times that day. I was not sleeping well. I was over the edge. And at four o’clock, My sweet son Evan simply asked “what’s for dinner, mom?”’

Breeda’s son asking about dinner was the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back.

‘I lost my mind! My kids can tell you what a conniption looks like. And I collapsed and I slammed the bathroom door and I just started crying. “I can’t do this anymore! I wasn’t… I’m not cut out for this! I didn’t sign up for this! I don’t know what I’m doing! I am a terrible daughter. I am the worst mother. I can’t keep going. And I need help!”’

‘And I looked up in the mirror… (Sidebar, I had managed to put mascara on that day…God knows why. Maybe to go out.) …and Alice Cooper was looking back! And I thought this is not gonna end well. And I knew if I didn’t get some help, I could go before her. […] That was the point where I realized, “Okay, sweetie, you need to get some help. You need to find some resources. You need to figure this out because you cannot keep doing what you’re doing. It’s not good for anybody.”’

Breeda’s story reflects my own recent experience facilitating an important two-hour member empathy mapping session via Zoom as part of a huge digital strategy project that I was working on with my colleague. Hours of prep had already gone into making sure that everything flowed well and it was all going according to plan. Then I suddenly heard my mother yelling out frantically from the bathroom across the hall while I was on mute. Terror! What do I do?

Thankfully, the timing worked out so that my spouse, who was home and working from his own office, came rushing out to help her. But I felt overwhelmed in the midst of an important meeting and unable to do anything that felt right. 

So, what can we do? 

Adding to the struggle is the lack of open communication about the topic. People still succumb to traditional societal pressures that hint we should either not complain about family matters like these or that we should have already planned out the perfect strategy for just such an event. That somehow these problems are our fault and that we are somehow “bad” people because we are feeling challenged. 

Breeda says we need to move past all of that.

“Here’s a couple of things that I learned about self care when it comes to really, everybody in the last few years: whether it’s your job, your children, your spouse, a parent, other relatives, financial worries, whatever, …you have to take a break before you break and that is about being pre emptive.”

And what does that look like?

“I’ve learned to know my body. And number one, I need to rest. I need to sleep. Because when you are caring for several people, or just one person who’s really challenging, you need to be mentally agile, you need to be able to respond, you need to be resourceful to think of, “Okay, she’s agitated, what can I do?” 

And for those of us who still need someone to tell us it’s okay to need a break, Breeda shared the secret we all know we need to hear.

“You have to give yourself permission. Maybe it’s to take a nap, maybe it’s to put your feet up or to close your eyes, maybe it is to go for a walk, whatever is your thing, you cannot feel guilty about it.”

…

For more caregiver resources, please check out Breeda’s list on her website and if you’d like to hear the entire interview with Breeda, please check out the audio podcast!